


ethereal

by roboticdisposition



Series: he was always wanting [3]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anal Fingering, Angst, M/M, Smut, anyway proper tags here we go again, k so alex thinks he fucked it up with will and its all his fault, shock horror i know, then i wont spoil it but i would reccomend a read sjdlsjklsf, then they have some feelings together, they go to a party and ...feelings, very confused by the name changes btw but i hope those character tags work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-05 03:33:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17911214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roboticdisposition/pseuds/roboticdisposition
Summary: Alex thought he was untouchable. He looked like someone off a billboard or a magazine - someone you saw, but never touched. But Alex had touched him, he felt delicate but safe - like something sacred.--“I can’t fuck this up anymore, I can’t deal with you, Alex,” Will spoke into their air, drifting to Alex’s ears like a metal lullaby.“And you think I can deal with you?” Alex whispered, something blooming onto Will’s face. It looked a little scared, a little hopeful, and Alex felt like maybe he understood.





	ethereal

**Author's Note:**

> hiya so this is part three so read the previous parts before and everything so it makes sense but besides that, i hope u enjoy, this was brought to u by the XO vid speeding my editing along sdfjkldsjfls

It’d been a week. A long week filled with bitter pain deep in his chest. Alex felt lost; his tether snapped in two. He couldn’t decide whether he was more pissed off at himself, or at Will. In the end, he supposed it didn’t really matter. But he just felt fucked off - like the world was against him, even though it wasn’t.

He just - he really fucking liked Will, and a small little piece of him truly believed, just for a moment, that there was something there. Then he went out drinking with James, spotted Will, and it all fell apart.

Alex never wanted it to, he desperately clung onto Will that night, as if his grip on his arm would make him change his mind, make him have faith that there was something there. He was living in a distant dream.

The night ended with Alex hammered, stumbling home, propped up by James’ arm, tear tracks streaming down his cheeks and devastation deep in his bones. Will was gone - pulled away, he couldn’t deal with it, he said. Alex felt like he was suffocating with the frosty air shooting down his throat.

He wanted him, desperately. He thought he had something, something special that he felt when he woke up, when he thought of him, when he spotted something in Tesco’s that reminded him of him, but it’d snapped. It’d fallen to pieces. Alex fucked it, made Will run; he didn’t know if he could forgive himself for that.

It wasn’t like Alex could just pretend it never happened, because to him it meant something - even if it didn’t for Will, even if he never had a clue over any of it. It still meant something. It was over, but it mattered.

He had never realised how he felt before all this, hadn’t given it a single thought - just assumed his flirting was just what they did, just banter. But when it started, it spiralled. Alex felt something deep and achy growing every time he was near him - it scared him, when he realised.

It made him feel like he didn’t know himself, like he was almost living a lie with his mate. He wanted more. When he sucked Will off, feeling him hard and heavy around his tongue, his world exploded around him, everything changing within seconds.

He could barely breathe when he jerked himself off when Will eventually calmed down, feeling guilty with every stroke that he was getting off over his mate, over how he felt in his mouth, over the sounds that spilt from his lips.

It should’ve been over then, but Alex wanted more. He’d had a taste and it wasn’t enough. He craved Will, the taste of him growing to be a distant memory - almost like he was fading out of his grasp.

He tried to make it return to normal, but it wasn’t. He couldn’t get the balance. He fancied him - really fucking just liked him, sparks in his ribs and electric through his lungs. Will was so close, physically and mentally, but untouchable, almost.

Alex tried to be himself, return to the flirty banter they were so used to, but everything was stilted. Will’s limbs going tense whenever he said something a bit too far, it felt breakable, like it was going to shatter at any moment.

He snapped eventually, James’ party was the crux of it. He was already a few drinks down, his body heavy but his heart loose like it was floating. Alex’s body was buzzing, feeling like he was injected with a pure shot of electricity when Will walked in.

Everything centred around him, everything falling away as Will took him in. His feet were striding towards him before he could consider the consequences.

He was intoxicating, yet utterly sobering. It didn’t matter how much alcohol he consumed in the end, everything softened up and faded away when Will was there - like he was seeing things a bit clearer.

He let himself forget the consequences, letting his guard down, letting Will fuck him - begging him, more like. He would’ve felt embarrassed if he didn’t ache for it so much.

Will was everywhere all at once, his energy filling Alex’s atmosphere, consuming his every sense. His hand in his as he tugged him down the stairs, rushing like teenagers to get back to his flat to fuck.

He felt vulnerable, laying out open, desperate for Will, but he felt safe, like Will understood - he really fucking thought he understood. But he didn’t, and Alex was stupid to think otherwise.

He thought lying there, curled up in Will’s hoodie, consumed and overwhelmed by him, he was everywhere, but when he woke up he was nowhere.

Even when Will blanked him out for a week, he thought it’d be alright - maybe he had just panicked, needed some space, and they’d get back to normal, whatever this normal had become to be. But he was clinging desperately onto a lifeline that had already been cut, deep down he should’ve known.

In the end, Alex was naive. Will ripping his bones in two as he told him he couldn’t do it anymore. Alex clung, his hands on his wrist and his arteries tied to the shake in his voice, pleading Will would change his mind.

He thought there was something, that was all. His blood festering when he realised Will thought otherwise. Alex felt delusional, second-guessing everything he ever thought.

It was like his head couldn’t comprehend how Will, the man who had his head tucked on his shoulder the first time, the man who curled up gorgeous and open in his bed the second, could think it was nothing.

It was devastating, causing ripples to form and cracks to open throughout every aspect of his life.

A week later and Alex still felt broken. He wondered if he was being dramatic, whether he was being stupid and he read into it all too much, whether he took Will for granted, hoping for something that wasn’t there. Everything shot through his head like it was burning, vivid and urgent. But he couldn’t understand anything.

He was more pissed at himself, he decided when he stumbled out of the haze of thoughts clouding his brain again. He was the one that felt something, he was the one that projected it onto Will, he was the one that wanted more. He couldn’t blame Will for that, he knew that, but he wanted to.

Alex lashed out, that was the thing. He felt hurt when it was no one's fault but his own. He was naive and thought there was something when there wasn’t. It was as simple as that.

He liked him though, despite everything, despite feeling pain with every word shoved his way the other night. He liked him.

He felt pissed - fucked off with a reality that was more of a fantasy. Alex ran his nails through his hair, trying to get his knees to stop shaking as he tucked them up against his chest. He was trying to edit a video - hadn’t managed to post all week, something to do with mourning a relationship that never happened, but he couldn’t get past the imaginary blockade in his head.

Alex sighed, deep and heavy, trying to ignore the scratching in his throat as he slammed his laptop shut. He’d try again later, he thought, he’d have to manage it eventually.

Five empty cans of coke were sprawled across his desk, a half-empty bottle of rum in the corner, looking rather inviting, despite the fact it was something like two in the afternoon. He should get food, he thought, not moving.

He should text George, ask if he had any leftovers, but he couldn’t find it in him to reach for his phone. Alex sighed, feeling a bit lost. There were so many things he should be doing, and feeling like Will had torn him apart was not one of them, yet it seemed to be all he was doing lately.

It took him a good few minutes to rouse the energy to move, but when he did he wished he never had. Alex stepped out of his room, sunlight bright and a bit dazing, only to find James and George kicked out on the sofa beaming at him.

It was only slightly disconcerting.

“The beast has finally left the cave,” James joked, eyes warm. Alex wanted to laugh but all he managed was a little huff.

“Almost like it’s my flat,” Alex weakly smiled, “Shock to see me in it.”

“I mean,” George interrupted, “You’ve been fucking hibernating all week, so it is a bit of a shock-”

“Yeah, thanks, George.” Alex sighed, his shoulders hunched, feeling an attack coming on at any moment.

James patted the sofa next to him, “Help us beat George at Fifa, come on.”

Alex sighed again, rubbing his eyes. James didn’t need any help, Alex was the worst at the fucking game, after all, he was just trying to be nice. He didn’t know if it made his insides ache with something warm and comforting or something scary and sharp.

“James-” He tried to interrupt, his voice weak.

“Fucking get your arse over here,” George called instead, he was always the blunt one.

“Getting some tea first.” Alex stuttered, feet moving towards the kitchen without his say so, he just wanted to escape for a little bit, before it all kicked off again.

He wished he could find some sort of solace in his head, but it was all consuming - he was all consuming. It made his body feel like it was filled with lead with robotic joints at his knees and elbows.

Alex stumbled back into the other room, James and George silent, eerily so, as if they were sat there waiting. He should’ve taken the opportunity and ran while he could. Instead, feeling vulnerable, he tucked himself in between the pair of them, the warmth from their bodies just slightly comforting, if nothing else.

“You alright then mate? How’s your video going,” James eventually approached when Alex’s mug was half empty. He sighed, knowing he’d ask eventually.

It wasn’t that he’d been ignoring his friends, he just hadn’t been the most sociable lately. Will was trying to make everything go back to normal - see mates and get it all back to how it was before, and Alex couldn’t do that.

He would at some point, course he’d go back to normal, it had to really. But he couldn’t pretend his chest didn’t feel heavy. So instead of pretending it was okay, he hid.

“It’s not done,” Alex muttered, “Should’ve posted days ago-”

“Doesn’t really matter mate,” George patted him on the shoulder, Alex felt small, “More important things going on really.”

Alex wanted to protest but couldn’t really. He sat there, enjoying the silence while it lasted.

“You spoken to Will then?” James perked up. Alex wished he hadn’t.

“No,” Alex almost hissed, “Please.” He said softer.

George spoke up this time, “You’re being fucking ridiculous, just fucking talk to the man and express whatever this is-”

“Very helpful,” Alex sarcastically hummed, slamming his mug down on the coffee table, itching to get up and walk off.

“It’s fucking true and you know it.” George argued, “I don’t know what happened to you that night at the club - I wasn’t even fucking there, but just sort it out, this isn’t good for you.”

Alex felt his head pound and his fingers itch, “It’s fine-”

“Can you both fucking stop saying it’s fine?” George near on exploded, “I just… Nah I can’t.” He sighed, tugging at his roots before standing up and walking to his room.

Alex sat there, silence heavier - truth lying between the atoms, but denial raging through his blood. He’d never explicitly laid out what happened that night, he assumed Will hadn’t either, but it was clear James and George knew. And Alex definitely expressed his feelings before - excited, at the prospect of it becoming something.

It didn’t bother him really, he couldn’t find it in himself to feel anything other than feeling fucked off over everything that he’d let himself fall into. He couldn’t care less if George knew - or James, he couldn’t give a fuck, not anymore.

He’d told them at the beginning, hushed and gentle - full of promise. He was deluded, he later found out. He assumed George and James knew as much.

“You alright?” James whispered, more gentle than George had been - he was always the sensitive one. A fucking giant fluffy bear in disguise.

Alex didn’t know whether to scream or cry, he felt fucked off, it was the running theme the past week - always fucked off, even when Will wasn’t involved, he felt fucked off. His world had shifted, however fucking stupid that sounded, Will had meddled with the control panel and he couldn’t get it back into gear.

“Just great,” Alex scratched at his neck, skin crawling. “Absolutely perfect, couldn’t be better-”

“You don’t have to bullshit with me mate, you know that.”

“I’m fucking pissed off, okay?” Alex muttered weakly, fight draining out slowly, “You know that, I told you that.”

“Why don’t you tell him that-”

“He wouldn’t give a fuck, okay James?” Alex bubbled, “I was the one who cared, what the fuck would telling him that it hurt me achieve, why don’t you tell me that-”

“He might feel the same,” James suggested, harmless, but devastating.

“We’re not in fucking high school James, it doesn’t just work like that - it’s not like… it’s not like it’s a fucking fairy tale ending with a happy ever after. He doesn’t want me, he wouldn’t have pushed me away otherwise.”

“He might’ve gotten overwhelmed-”

“Why don’t you stop,” Alex couldn’t breathe, “He pushed me away for a week after we fucked, he didn’t talk to me James - you were fucking there. He shoved me away at the club, as if it didn’t matter, everything that happened. And I suppose it didn’t, to him at least. That doesn’t mean it didn't fucking matter to me. Because it did.”

“Tell him,” James repeated. Alex knew he wouldn’t shut up about it - he’d been going on all week. But Alex didn’t have the fight in him, couldn’t be bothered to deal with him, or Will, or any of it.

“Fuck off,” Alex muttered, his bones grinding together as he tensed up.

No matter how many times his head went over it, he couldn’t process any of it. He felt like he’d been dreaming for the last God knows how long, and he didn’t know how to wake up.

He just felt pissed, pissed that he’d ruined it, pissed that he wanted more, pissed that Will didn’t want him. Just pissed. He wanted to scream and cry and part of him felt like a whining baby that had his toys kicked out the pram but he couldn’t fucking help it.

He just felt fucked off. He wanted things to be like they were before, but he knew that wasn’t an option. Alex would’ve taken it all back without a doubt if he knew it would’ve ended up like this, no matter how desperately he wanted Will, he should never have put what they had on the line for it.

He was greedy, and naive, and he believed things were more.

He had believed in Will, that was what it came down to. He believed in the electric through his veins. He shouldn’t have. He shouldn’t have volunteered anything when Will came to him, something buzzing in the air as he questioned his sexuality.

He should’ve kept his mouth shut, maybe he would still be able to look at him without wanting to kiss him.

It was worse that he was still around, he couldn’t even allow himself to feel pissed off - Will wasn’t the one that did something wrong. It just didn’t help crossing paths with him whenever he saw James or George, it didn’t help hearing his laugh echoing off the walls when he was trying to sleep, it didn’t help seeing him everywhere, when he was nowhere at all.

He just wanted him, when he couldn’t sleep and he stumbled into him on the sofa, when they played Fifa at four in the morning. He wanted to taste him again, see him without feeling sick in his throat.

He wanted so much, so much he couldn’t have.

\--

Alex was drunk, and impulsive. It was a recipe for disaster.

James had invited him out - celebrating something Alex had already forgotten. They were in some club, he didn’t know that either - what he did know, was that Will looked like a model with his ragged jeans and his long legs, smile lighting up the room.

It was nice of George to mention Will would be there, he thought, sipping at his drink. Although it wasn’t like a warning would do much to quell the heartache he was trying to bury with alcohol. It wasn’t like the drink would do much either, but at least he could try.

It just hadn’t been like this since it all fell apart. It wasn’t fair, really, Alex thought numbly. They hadn’t been out like this as a four since him and Will stood out in the cold, smoke in his lungs as it ended.

Alex couldn’t help laughing out loud, it was unintentional, but he felt so upset over something that never officially began in the first place it was ridiculous. It made him feel inadequate, in a weird sense. He couldn’t figure out why yet, considering how hazy his head felt, but he knew he felt off.

“You finished that?” George gestured to his half-empty drink. Alex shook his head but before the message got across George nicked it out of his hands and gulped it back.

“That was rude,” Alex pouted. “I hadn’t finished at all.”

“I’ll get you another later,” George hummed, slinging an arm around his shoulders and giving him a squeeze.

Alex’s hands felt itchy with nothing in them, his limbs fidgety and his muscles loose.

He should find someone to fuck, he thought, pushing the thought away as fast as it came. It wasn’t going to happen, even if he wanted it to. It couldn’t when Will was standing there, looking hot as ever with something sparkly behind his eyes.

Alex thought he was untouchable. He looked like someone off a billboard or a magazine - someone you saw, but never touched. But Alex had touched him, he felt delicate but safe - like something sacred.

He could never get enough, but he’d taken more than he could have and everything had gone too far, so now he was back to being another admirer, joining the gang of pretty girls at the side, eyeing him up like some sort of prey.

It made Alex feel sick; it shouldn’t have made him feel sick.

He should’ve been over him - over whatever had happened, over the fact that nothing had really happened besides his own feelings getting the better of him. But he wasn’t, and he was drunk, and impulsive, so it wasn’t his fault when he slid an arm around Will’s waist, feeling the flesh of his hand burn against his top like it was on fire.

Will was warm and steady and just as drunk as he was. Alex would’ve been a fool not to notice the slight glimmer of terror in Will’s eyes, Alex worried he’d fucked up again, about to pull away before Will shook his head and returned the gesture around Alex’s neck.

“George is getting drinks, do you want anything?” Will called, the soft tone of his voice juxtaposing the loudness of the club. It snapped Alex out of his thoughts, spotting George eyeing them up in front of him. It made his cheeks flush and his throat dry.

“Uh - no, think I’m good,” Alex hummed, looking up at Will from where he was tucked in his shoulder.

Even though it was different, even though Alex knew it wasn’t the same, even though Will was only tolerating him because he probably thought he was too drunk to support himself, it made Alex’s ribs expand like he could breathe again.

He hung off his arm like it was something sturdy and unbreakable. Alex let himself enjoy it, just for a moment, then he’d get over himself. Then it had to be over, he couldn’t keep dragging it up over and over in his head, it just made his body feel drained and heavy.

Will took some of his weight, holding him up, fingers curled around his neck, brushing against his collar bone like gentle strokes of a paintbrush. Alex was drunk, and impulsive, and he wanted to feel him closer but that wasn’t an option.

George came back with a beer for Will, thrusting it into his spare hand and stomping back off again.

“Thanks mate,” Will called after him, gesturing with his spare hand, spilling some beer down his hand. “Oh.”

Alex laughed, light and airy - careless, almost. But it wasn’t, not really. Every single element of Will’s mannerisms made Alex miss him more, despite the fact he was standing right next to him.

Will huffed out a laugh, Alex looking up at him and seeing a pout spread across his face. It made him smile, he really fucking wanted to kiss him. He wondered what’d happen if he did, it shot through his head quickly.

He wouldn’t, he immediately reasoned, but he wanted to. Will had told him what he wanted though, and that wasn’t him - he couldn’t go against that just for his own selfish desires.

Alex felt heady, everything warm with spiced air; he stole Will’s beer out of his hand, downing half of it before passing it back his way.

“Excuse me,” Will said, mock outraged, “That weren’t fair, was it.”

“Was absolutely, you should know by now your alcohol is fair game-”

“It’s bloody not, I’ll tell you that for nothing.” Will laughed, stealing his drink back.

It went silent, despite being surrounded by noise, assaulting them from every angle, Alex felt peaceful, in a way. The stilted conversations they’d been having had been washed down by enough alcohol it felt like nothing changed at all. It should’ve scared him, he supposed, getting so close to the line he couldn’t step over, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

“We alright then?” Will whispered lower, tilting his head to speak into Alex’s ear, concern raced across his expression before he stabilised it.

Alex felt his chest go tight, “Course,” he agreed, although none of this felt alright really. “Is this okay - after uh… after what you said the other day. I don’t want to be too much for you.”

“No - it’s fine… good, even.” Will tried to smile, Alex felt dizzy. The atmosphere was thick between them, but Alex felt comforted, that perhaps he hadn’t fucked everything up. He knew he was drunk, he knew Will was too, but he felt like maybe he could fix it, not to go back to before, no matter how much he wanted that, but to be alright again.

“We gonna go dance then?” Will continued, “Come show off, sure there must be a pretty lad in here you want to impress.” His voice edged with something sharp, laced with poison.

Alex felt his brow furrow, he didn’t understand, “No,” he looked up at Will, clinging his fingers tight into his shirt, “No one.”

Will frowned, not responding. Alex felt sick.

Alex took the lead instead, refusing to hear the next words out of his mouth, he didn’t want it to ruin anything else. Instead, he dragged him to the melding of bodies and started to dance.

Will looked at him like he was trying to dig for an answer, solving a puzzle blind. Alex felt the heat of his gaze, he didn’t know what he was looking for but he hoped he found it. He grasped his wrists with both hands instead, tugging them in the air - trying to get him to dance.

“Come on mate, you’re the one suggesting this, don’t leave me alone here,” Alex yelled, trying to cooperate and make shapes with Will’s heavy arms. He failed, in the end.

“Just come here,” Will said instead, voice heated but soft. Alex felt shivers run down his neck.

Alex stepped closer, gingerly as if he was walking into something devastating and unfixable. He supposed he was really, he thought when he was a couple inches away from Will’s chest. “What?”

“This okay?” Will asked, eerily parallel to how Alex had asked him every time before. When he sucked him off, when he held him against the door, kissing down his neck like he was hungry for it when he fucked him.

It made Alex feel like he was dreaming, “Course,” he whispered, his body shattering as Will rested his fingertips on his shoulders, the weight heavy and reassuring.

Will brushed his fingers against Alex’s skin, nails against his neck, harsh but forgiving. Alex looked up at him, confused and dazed, like he’d entered a new reality.

“I - I’m sorry,” Will said gently, something melting in his gaze as Alex brought his hands up to steady himself against his hips, then a fire lit, burning vivid behind his pupils, “Fuck it.”

Will stepped forward, feet stumbling together, chests touching and arms tangled. Alex kept his eyes on his face, searching for something unreadable. Will leant forward, tilting his neck down and sliding his hands up his neck to brush at his jaw.

Alex gripped his hips, bruising and heavy. He was withering down to his skeleton, his flesh burning on fire with everything he desperately wanted. In the end, he was never going to cool down, so he did all he could to keep his bones intact and shot up on his toes, crashing his lips together with Will’s like he was hungry for it.

Alex thought he would stagger back, push him away, despise him until the end of time; instead, he pulled him closer, sweat meeting along fingertips from the heat of the flames. Alex kissed him, hard and heavy. Everything faded away as Will roughly tugged him closer, taking control for the first time throughout everything and collided their tongues together, using each other for air.

It was like everything was crumbling and feeling Will’s lips against his was what kept him standing. It was a lot; Alex felt like everything was breaking while he tried to stitch it back up, falling at the waist side into Will’s arms.

He felt every nerve on fire wherever Will touched him, grasping at his neck with their feet tangling on the floor. Alex gasped against Will’s lips, soft and gentle but heated and fiery. Before Alex could breathe again Will was pulling him closer, hand on his cheek as he licked into his mouth.

Alex smiled dopily against his lips, harsh but soft as he gave back all he could. It felt important, somehow. It felt like Will was taking the reins for the first time, and even if this never happened again, Alex didn’t think he minded. He felt heady and lovesick with his bones aching.

Alex ran his hands along Will’s waist, desperate but fragile, he grasped the material around the dip in his tummy and relished in the breathy moan Will exhaled.

He didn’t think he could want anything more than he wanted this, he wished he could stay here breathless and wanting forever. They kissed like time was endless and Alex felt that spark again - that one that made him believe this was something.

It made him pull away, his head shot back as he realised he was sinking into something he didn’t know he could control. Alex was breathless, panting for air as Will moved his lips down his jaw instead, urgent as if he couldn’t take his mouth away.

Alex felt ethereal, like he’d crossed into the clouds. Will was everywhere and everything, surrounding his senses and Alex was drunk and impulsive and he wanted him, he was always wanting him.

“Are you okay?” Alex eventually murmured, a hand clasping into Will’s hair, undecided whether he wanted to pull him closer, breathe him in like he was starved, or push him away, panicked as for how this would unfold.

Will didn’t respond, moaning against his neck instead before he found his voice, “I’m fine - I’m sorry.” He let his head fall against Alex’s shoulder, leaning down to tuck his head against his neck, where his lips had traced.

“I kissed you,” Alex whispered, fire cracking through his limbs, numbness threatening to overwhelm him. He felt like his insides were rotting but his heart was blossoming. He was terrified.

“You did,” Will nodded, stepping impossibly closer. Alex waited for Will to pull away but the moment never came. They stood together, rocking in time to an invisible beat, Will’s hands grasping onto the waist of his shirt, Alex’s fingers twisted in his hair.

It felt so delicate, it was only a matter of time before it snapped.

Alex shouldn’t have kissed him, he thought. He shouldn’t have let himself step over the line, but he was drunk, and impulsive, and Will was there, gorgeous and utterly devastating. Alex was always going to be fighting a losing battle.

He worried he’d fucked with Will, he held him steady as they rocked, Alex feeling reality set in. He tried to keep it at arm's length, let himself live in the illusion for a bit longer, but it was pushing him down until he couldn’t breathe.

“Will?” He whispered, stroking his hair, trying to calm himself down in some fashion, “You alright.”

“Great I am,” Will muttered into his skin, breath warm and shivery, “Promise… And uh - Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry, about what I said before.” Will stumbled over his words, “You know, the other night. I got overwhelmed, I didn’t mean to fuck you over or make you think it was you-”

“You didn’t,” Alex responded, confusion hazing his thoughts, “It’s okay.” He whispered, feeling himself shatter into pieces.

“It’s not - I just wanted you but it got too much.”

Alex took a shaky breath, “You’re drunk mate,” he said, as if he wasn’t worse off himself, “We’re okay now, yeah?”

“No, you’re different with me now.” Will slurred, lips brushing Alex’s neck, hair tickling his skin, “It’s like you think of me differently. I didn’t want to make you think that.”

Alex couldn’t breathe, “You’re the same Will as always, nothing's changed-”

“It has, Alex,” Will sighed, lifting his head, looking him in the eye, sharp but relaxed - resigned, in a way.

“I’m sorry.” Alex felt his eyes sting, “I just… I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too,” Will whispered, hand brushing across Alex’s skin leaving goosebumps behind, “Can we try to just like… try and be like before?”

“Please,” Alex looked away, bodies swirling around them like they weren’t even there, “I can’t just… I need you in my life.”

“Okay,” Will whispered, bringing him close, bodies together like one, “I’m sorry. It just got too much.”

Alex felt his muscles wither away, his bones start to fester, and the glow fade away.

“But we’re good, please?” Will sounded vulnerable, Alex didn’t like it.

“Course,” He said, sewing his veins back together again, he had to make it okay. He didn’t know how, but he had to.

He couldn’t not be around Will, he wanted him close and warm, but he couldn’t let himself be like this. It was too much, the intensity threatening to ruin him.

He loved him, he thought, expecting it to be a bigger revelation. He felt that little something again, something squashed between their bodies, something bigger than them. He thought he was delusional, and he supposed he was, really.

Will didn’t push him away, that mattered, he thought. Even if it wasn’t in the way he wanted it to matter. It was something - like a plaster over a bleeding wound. Maybe the wreckage left behind in his head would be able to fix with time too, maybe he’d be able to tie it in a bandage, clot the blood, and maybe it’d be alright.

\--

“Who the fuck is that,” George groaned, feet sprawled across Alex’s lap. “Did you invite someone?”

Alex opened his eyes blearily, “Why would I do that, I don’t even know where my phone is right now.” His head pounded, he may have drunk a bit much.

“Could’ve used fucking pigeon mail or something, never know with you,” George grumbled, nudging Alex in the side to go answer it.

Begrudgingly he got up, wobbly on his feet as he stumbled to the door. It was Will, of course it was.

“Hi,” Alex murmured, voice weary but thick with emotion. He sounded like he’d had something stuck in his mind all night; this thing with Will, it was just a lot.

“Hey mate,” Will grinned, eyes way too bright, “I’ve run out of milk, can I make a coffee, bloody knackered I am.”

Alex just nodded, opening the door wider and stepping out the way.

It confused him, a bit. Every other time something had happened between them Will had pulled away, yet here he was, the morning after they’d snogged, scurrying around his kitchen.

Alex didn’t expect it, that was all.

He’d been up half the night, still drunk, not quite hungover - somewhere in between. Everything was a bit hazy but he could still feel the pressure of Will’s lips, pink and wet with spit against his own. It was electrifying, his fingers kept pressing against his mouth as if he could recreate the sensation.

He knew he shouldn’t have kissed him, but he couldn’t bring himself to regret it. In some ways it was closure, in others it was the start of something just out of his reach. Alex didn’t really know, hadn’t had the chance to wrap his head around it yet.

He’d had a lot of time to think though, lying in bed, the world asleep, lights dim. It gave him chance to run through all the consequences, everything that would come of this - everything that might break, because of this.

It gave him chance to panic that Will would pull away again - to prepare himself. It let him consider his feelings, whether he was delusional imagining something was there or whether there was, it felt pulsing and desperate in the front of his head, aching to know what they were.

Alex knew they were nothing, really. He knew that. Will made that loud and clear the other night, but he didn’t think he could imagine everything he thought was between them, or maybe he could. It was hazy and dark - he didn’t know.

Yet out of all the outcomes Alex prepared himself for, Will on his doorstep at 2 pm, hair mused from a pillow with bright eyes, that wasn’t what he expected.

He thought he’d pull away - just like last time. But he was there, in the kitchen, fucking around with their coffee machine, and Alex felt just a little bit sick.

“Make us one too Will,” George yelled, unmoving from the sofa, “Least you could do for stealing the milk.”

Will laughed, Alex frowned. He didn’t understand him or how he was dealing with it so well after everything.

“Cheeky sod,” Will exclaimed, almost oozing radiance, “Alex, you want one too?”

“Uh - no thanks mate,” Alex stuttered, falling back on the sofa, stealing Georges lap as a footrest.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want Will to be happy - he just didn’t expect it. Alex was ready to coax him out of the hole that was his flat but here he was, fresh top on with clean trainers - looking far too put together, considering what happened.

He didn’t understand, that was all. He didn’t understand that he was so affected by it, his heart in his throat just at the thought of kissing the boy, yet Will was seemingly unaffected.

It confused him. Momentarily he thought he’d made it up, it was a dream or something, but he knew the feeling of his mouth, tongues dancing with fire - that was reality.

It felt like something, Alex thought, shoulders slumping, realisation setting in that he believed in something impossible. He had kissed him, he had pulled him in, he was always asking for more, and despite the fact that Will let him, they were two sides of a battlefield.

Alex clenched his eyes, willing away the stinging before the tears came. He was stupid, getting drunk and letting himself fall into the fantasy again. It meant nothing to Will, no matter how much Alex thought it did.

He felt something heavy stir in his throat, he didn’t understand why Will let him kiss him. Maybe he was drunk too, maybe he was just going along with it, maybe he didn’t feel any consequences. It made Alex’s head spin.

He should never have kissed him, he thought again, opening his eyes to see Will walking back in with two mugs.

“Here mate, it’s boiling, be careful.” Will handed George a mug, tilting his head to look for a space on the sofa, eventually sitting on the floor when he realised neither Alex or George would make space for him.

“Thanks,” George hummed, flicking the TV on as he sipped the drink.

Alex felt himself tense, feeling increasingly wound up as time went on. He didn’t understand how Will could sit there, back against the sofa, laughing at shit on the screen as if nothing ever happened.

He felt like the world was closing in on him, his heart thudding against bones as the ceiling sank and the walls moved closer.

Alex stood up, limbs shaky but desperate. “Gonna go lie down, not feeling good.”

“Oh,” He heard Will say before he staggered to his room. He shut the door behind him, slumping against the wood as his body curled in on himself.

He took in his room, empty cans still taking over his desk, wires tangling like snakes on the floor. It felt desperate. He looked at the bed, picturing him and Will there after they fucked. He couldn’t breathe.

He could see Will in his head, soft but sturdy, as if he was holding Alex up by his fingertips, then he saw himself, delicate and fragile, wrapped up in a hoodie that wasn’t his with invisible hands burning his skin.

Alex wanted more, he thought as he let his knees cave, flopping onto the floor, door supporting his back. He thought Will did too; he was so utterly wrong.

It would’ve been better if it was at least acknowledged, Alex thought, not just ignored - as if it didn’t happen, when in reality it was all Alex could think of.

He didn’t know how to deal with the silence of it, it had happened, and it was everything, but it had to be nothing.

A knock vibrated through the wood, spurring Alex to move and climb onto his bed at the very least.

“What,” Alex called, rubbing his eyes, expecting it to be George mithering him.

The door opened a creek, “Can I come in?” Will said gently, as if he was scared.

Alex sighed, leaning back against the headboard, “If you want to,” he muttered, gesturing around his room, “Sorry it’s a mess.”

“Don’t really care,” Will shuffled in, shutting the door behind him. The air felt blue and cold, Alex felt it pressing into every inch of his skin.

Will perched on the edge of his desk, taking in his room as Alex did moments prior. They sat there, words unspoken as time ticked by. 

“What do you want Will,” Alex eventually caved, voice cracking as he picked at his nails.

“I - I don’t know,” He whispered, drastically different to when Alex spoke to him in the lounge. Will’s muscles looked tense and his body rigid, it made Alex feel antsy, like he was standing by the edge of a cliff.

“Why are you… why are you acting like nothing happened - last night, I mean.” Alex exhaled, running a hand through his hair as he sat, looking away as if he could whisk himself off elsewhere.

He heard Will fidget, heard his breath catch in his throat. “I’m not-”

Alex exploded, like a bomb that’d finally ticked down to zero, “I kissed you, you know that, right?” He snapped his neck over, looking him dead in the face, “I kissed you, and you’re here pretending nothing happened, and I… I don’t know - I can’t.”

Will looked white, face like a ghost, “I know,” he whispered, voice breaking, “I know that.”

Alex said nothing, didn’t know what to say in all honesty. He just wanted to cry.

“I’m sorry, for what I said before.” Will finally spoke again, looking down at the floor, fucking with the strings on his hoodie, “That night, it just got too much.”

“You said,” Alex hummed, trying to suck the venom out of his tone. It wasn’t Will’s fault, none of it was. He just felt wound up, taut like a bow ready to shoot.

“I’m still sorry, I - it just got too much,” Will repeated, shaking his head as if he wanted to say something else, his body frozen still.

“It’s okay mate,” Alex tried to calm the lump in his chest, “I’m sorry if I kissed you and you didn’t want it. I didn’t mean… I just got lost in it, I suppose.” Alex stumbled, words pushing at the back of his throat, desperately trying to escape, but he dragged them down, wincing as the lie hit the air.

“Don’t be,” Will stood up, pacing around the room, it made Alex’s heartache, seeing him there. He wished he would stay here forever, tangled up in that little room. “I’m sorry, I can’t… I’m just sorry.”

Alex’s blood ran cold “Fuck,” he muttered, rubbing at his face. He didn’t want to make it worse, hating every inch of himself knowing he’d done exactly that. It was like his insides were torn apart. “I shouldn’t have done anything.”

He couldn’t stand himself; Will had told him he couldn’t deal with it, yet a couple days and a couple drinks later Alex let himself snog him, his own desires taking over. It never should’ve been that way, he should’ve been looking out for him, helping him cope with whatever, not snogging him.

It made his blood run thin.

“No, Alex - God.” Will stumbled, “I liked it - I kissed you even, just… it’s a lot, you know what I’m saying?”

Alex looked at him blindly, stood at the edge of his bed. “I’m sorry-”

“Stop, please.” Will turned away, continuing to pace, as if he was trying to figure out his next move - like it was a game of chess, like only one of them would come out alive.

“Promise I won’t come onto you again,” Alex whispered, “I don’t want to take advantage-”

“Fucking hell, please Al.” Will stopped, perching on the edge of the bed, back facing Alex, “I wanted it - I pulled you in. It wasn’t your fault.”

Alex sat silent, head churning as his pulse throbbed.

“I wanted you to kiss me, alright?” Will spoke, so quietly it was as if it never happened, but Alex heard it, ears echoing and limbs shaking.

“Don’t say that just because you think I want you to,” Alex snapped, arms curling around his chest, he couldn’t deal with this. It felt like his flesh was being ripped open, bleeding and bare. It was too much.

“I’m not-” Will turned around.

“No please,” Alex said, standing up himself, he felt the wetness down his cheeks before he could register what was happening. “It’s okay yeah? Mates, and all, we can pretend it didn’t happen - that’s fine,” he rushed out, speaking like something was chasing him, scaring him away.

“Alex-”

“It’s fine, alright?” Alex said, facing the door, desperately wiping his cheeks with his sleeve, “I can’t do this,” he whispered, opening the door and falling into the flat, feet walking out of the place before he knew where he was going, he just knew he couldn’t stay there, in his head, surrounded by Will - everywhere but nowhere, all at once.

\--

He returned a couple hours later, a few bottles in toe, knocking on his own door since he’d forgotten his keys.

Alex needed some space to deal with everything, some fresh air, a bit of daylight - the works. He just needed to get away. He went to the park first, sat there, got assaulted by some ducks before moving on.

He wombled around Tesco’s for a bit, trying to figure out which brand of biscuits was best for moping - he went for Hobnobs in the end, then ended up at some backend off licence nearly fifty quid lighter but with newly acquired alcohol.

It was dark when he got back, but he’d cleared his head, at least a bit. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe Will, but he didn’t exactly think he was being a hundred per cent truthful. Alex just wished he had actually meant it.

He wished he could snog him again, snog him whenever he wanted - snog him and not worry about him running off. Alex wanted to call him pretty, cling to his waist and tangle their feet. He may be overly emotional but he just wanted something.

George opened the door before he could begin to dwell on it, it was best he move on anyway - he was probably right in what he said before he stormed out, maybe they did just need to pretend it never happened and move on. Alex swore he’d try that from now on.

“Glad to see someones back and not been stabbed midway round London-”

“It’s fucking 7 pm George, not exactly prime time for knife wielders.”

“You never know,” George tried to exclaim, Alex pushed past him in the end, dropping his bag in the doorway, bottles clinking together as he took his shoes off.

It took him a moment to register the other body in the room, sat stiffly on the sofa, controller tight in his hand, eyes bloodshot as he looked over.

“Oh hey,” Alex tried to sound cheery, thought it best to get used to it from now on, he couldn’t be pissy forever, no matter how much he wanted to. He couldn’t blame Will that he didn’t feel that same something he did, so that had to be that. “You alright mate?”

Will looked pale, eyes puffy, Alex frowned, “Yeah all good, are you? After uh - after earlier?”

“Ah yeah good,” Alex took his coat off, throwing it on the floor, clenching his fingers and walking over to sit down.

“Budge up mate, I was there first.” George butted in, shoving Alex over, nudging him against Will as he parked himself the other end.

Will huffed a laugh, Alex warmed to the tone. It was like after he’d escaped and found himself able to breathe again, his lungs were starting to refill with monoxide.

“Come on then mate, I was beating you,” Will urged, pointing at the TV where Fifa was glaring and bright. Will’s voice still sounded off, it made him feel cold and a bit heartachy, not that he could do anything about it, not that that was his place.

So he sat back and watched them play, flicking through his phone between goals, then Will’s hand gripped onto his knee when he scored. He felt the heat shoot up his nerves, all tingly through his bones.

Alex's head snapped up to look at Will, catching an attempt at a smile before he turned away again. His head hurt, he wished he knew what he was thinking. It wasn’t like it was a brush of the knuckles, his hand was there, heavy and grounding as the replays rolled through the screen.

He moved it when the game started back up again, Alex didn’t know whether he was frustrated or relieved - it was equal parts both really.

He just didn’t understand it, that was all. Alex wondered if he was just making it more complex than it needed to be, but Will was confusing and Alex couldn't figure out whether he was coming or going.

Alex was trying to accept that Will said he couldn’t deal with it, he was getting there; he couldn’t keep hammering at a broken nail. But with his handprint burnt into his knee his head lit up with dangerous thoughts flying everywhere.

Will said he wanted Alex to kiss him, he thought numbly, he’d disregarded it earlier, Will didn’t mean it, he was just spouting his usual shit, but for a moment Alex let himself consider that maybe he did.

It scared him, made his blood run cold, he wanted Will so desperately, still feeling his touch shivering over his skin; he thought he had him. There was something, he kept repeating to himself, almost like a spell. He had felt something sparkly and bright and he thought Will did too.

Maybe he did, Alex let the thought flourish, shutting it out once his head had gotten its fill of a never-ending fantasy. Will didn’t mean any of it, just wanted an outlet for his sexuality, and that was okay, Alex just let himself spiral.

His thoughts made him feel antsy, everything swimming around his head like he was drowning in illusions. He couldn’t just sit there, heat from Will radiating through his clothing, so he snapped out of it, got to his feet, and headed for the kitchen.

“Anyone else want a drink?”

\--

Alex was two drinks down, more giggly than tipsy, and he was finally starting to relax. Will was there, first drink still half full on the coffee table, and he was gorgeous, and that was okay, Alex convinced himself.

He tried to push the thoughts aside, betting that he would beat George at a game that he was bound to lose, but it was worth it when he was twenty quid lighter and Will’s laugh was echoing around his ears.

It was like there was a white glow surrounding Will’s shape - Alex wondered if he was going mad, but he smiled, dopey and bright, trying to pretend it was all okay.

“Go on, let us have a game George, I’m in need of a twenty off Alex too - you can’t hog all his bets.” Will laughed, knocking George in the arm, trying to bat his hands away to get to the controller.

“Bet you won’t win though,” George smirked, “Maybe Alex will suddenly become the Fifa master-”

“We both know he won’t,” Will snorted, finally grabbing hold of the controller, Alex watching with glowing eyes.

He looked over, face softening to Alex, “Go on then, twenty again?” Will asked, shuffling around his wallet to toss a twenty on the table.

Alex hummed, his ribs crushing his lungs with the pressure of his gaze, “Course go on.”

Will won, of course he did. Alex was still smiling, worth it for the softened look in Will’s eyebrows and the slight sparkle in his eye when he shoved the twenty back in his wallet.

“Money hungry, you are.” Alex nudged, “Way too happy over that.”

“Says you, Mister 50k-”

“Excuse me,” Alex protested, knocking Will’s hands with his own as he gestured around the air to protest, he wished he could hold his hand, he thought, the idea slipping away before it was even fully formed. It wasn’t on the cards, not anymore, maybe not ever.

“Stop denying it Alex, we know the truth,” George piped up, smiling lazily.

Alex sighed, leaning back against the sofa, head nuzzling into a cushion, “Now that I’m forty quid worse off, someone get us another drink,” Alex held his empty cup out, eyeing up George as he was the closest to the door.

“Fuck off mate, you’ve got legs too,” he laughed, pulling out his phone.

He eyed up Will next, “Go on mate, please,” He pouted, feeling restless over the soft gooey eyes he got in return.

“You go, I’ll probably mix it wrong,” Will softly muttered, his voice made Alex feel like jelly - it was all soft and silky. Maybe Alex was drunker than he thought.

“Fine,” Alex stood up, only wobbling slightly, “I’m not getting you one though.”

He was midway through pouring half an inch of whisky when Will walked in, he leant back on the counter, watching for a moment. Alex didn’t turn around but he felt eyes burning at the back of his neck.

“Do you not think you’ve had enough?” Will asked gently, “Alcohol, I mean.”

Alex frowned, “I’m good,” he stated, turning his neck to face him, seeing Will’s face all open and inviting. Alex felt captivated, feeling his own face melt into a gentle smile as he looked on.

Will returned it slowly, Alex felt scared - it felt reckless, and Alex wanted it, whatever it even was anymore.

“You sure? You only just got over last night,” Will stepped forward. Alex felt his eyebrows crease, turning to look at his drink again.

“I’ve drunk more than this and been fine mate,” Alex sulked, feeling something irritating ripping at his throat. He tried not to feel pissy and needy and everything else he knew he’d been lately, but Will was there, in front of him, hands on the counter, eyes on his. Alex felt vulnerable, as if Will could see straight through him.

“Can we not have a chat, you know, sober?” Will asked quieter.

“We can have a chat while I have a bit to drink,” Alex responded, knowing he was being snarky but being unable to help it.

“Please,” Will started again, Alex felt the heat rise, he felt frustration shoot through him. “I don’t know if I’ve got the heart to build myself up again, can we just… not hammered, you know?”

Alex felt his cheeks heat and his eyes burn, he was being obstructive, he didn’t know how to help it. In some twisted path in his head, he felt like it was revenge - he didn’t know what for, but he didn’t suppose it mattered. He liked Will, but he couldn’t keep building himself up to be let down.

He was always so close and so tempting but always out of reach, it made Alex feel heady.

“Pass us the bottle, yeah?”

“Make me,” Alex murmured, knowing he was playing with fire, unable to help himself.

The standstill lasted a few seconds, before Will stepped towards him, taking the invitation and prising the whiskey out of his fingers. He grabbed at Alex’s wrists and stepped between his feet, breathing each other's air.

“Please,” Will whispered, “I can’t make this worse.” He clenched his eyes, still holding Alex’s sleeves draped down by their hips.

Alex felt enthralled, stuck in an unbreakable limbo, he wanted so much more, so much it scared him, but he didn’t know what Will wanted, if anything at all. He just knew he wanted more.

Alex raised his hands, draping one around his shoulder, Will’s hands following suit. The touch felt electric and Alex couldn’t breathe, his eyes were locked onto Will’s, able to count his lashes, watch his nose flare when he breathed in. It was so much.

He didn’t know if he could do it again, deal with Will after, pretending it didn’t happen, avoiding him, it’d be worse than pushing him away. But he’d accepted that.

“I can’t fuck this up anymore, I can’t deal with you, Alex,” Will spoke into their air, drifting to Alex’s ears like a metal lullaby.

“And you think I can deal with you?” Alex whispered, something blooming onto Will’s face. It looked a little scared, a little hopeful, and Alex felt like maybe he understood.

“Can we promise this won’t fuck it up-”

“Please,” Alex near on begged, hands clinging to Will’s skin; there was never going to be another outcome, in the end. It was always going to come back to this, “Promise.” He whispered, bending up on his toes to breathe in his air.

“Alright,” Will whispered, snaking his hands away and bringing one up to Alex’s cheek instead, fingers brushing the warm skin, blush creeping through as he leant down, brushing their foreheads together. “Promise.”

Will was the one who leaned in, tilting Alex’s jaw like he was putty in his hands so he could connect their mouths like magnets. Alex moaned into his lips, breaking contact to shiver before joining again.

He was warm and sweet and Alex felt hungry for it, he felt raw and vulnerable and he never wanted anything to end. He thought he was living an illusion, and maybe he was, but he thought just for a bit, maybe that was okay.

Will’s nails dug into his waist, a contrast to how soft his fingers were against his face. Alex was weak on his feet, he knew he needed this, even if it was the last thing they’d ever do, he needed it like he needed to breathe. Just so he knew, just so he could tell if he was imagining that feeling he swore he knew.

Alex pushed back harder, licking into Will’s mouth, a collision of tongues and spit and it was messy and frantic but so perfectly intoxicating. It was all Alex wanted.

“Fuck,” Will pulled away, breathing heavily. Alex thought that was it, that was all he would get, but then Will met his lips again, teeth smashing with the chaos of desperation. Alex grinned, Will moaned, their mouths met again, aching and endless.

“You’re sure this isn’t… you know,” Will panted, breaking away but keeping his forehead pressed against Alex’s own. “You’re sure this isn’t going to ruin is, I can’t - I can’t deal with that.”

“Promise, please.” Alex leant up on his toes, trying to get impossibly closer, “We’re good, as long as you’re…” Alex trailed off, failing to find the right words, but Will nodded, he understood.

“Yeah,” He moved his head away an inch, Alex closed the distance and pushed his lips against Will’s again, soft this time, as if they had forever. He pulled away before he got carried away, sighing, feeling weightless, “You okay?” Will whispered, gentle and coaxing, as if he was holding Alex up.

“Absolutely,” Alex sunk back on his heels, staring up into Will’s face, a vulnerable openness overtaking his usual features. Alex thought he was beautiful. He felt ripped bare, as if his heart was on the floor, but Will was stitching him back together.

He let himself fall into this false reality, believing things were okay - he knew he’d been here before. But the look in Will’s eye, the way his cheeks blushed, the way his mouth pressed against his own, hungry and desperate - it was so much more than something.

Alex knew he wasn’t imagining it, not when Will was steady and golden, standing in front of him holding him together. He couldn’t imagine this.

“Can I-” Will took a step back, looking at him like he was something special. Alex’s breath halted in his throat, admiring the watery sparkle in his eyes.

Will trailed off, thumb brushing down his cheek, he shook his head, clenching his eyes shut with indecision, then he finally took the lead.

His other hand grabbed Alex’s fingers, they were warm and real and Alex smiled, feeling like he was sixteen with a crush again. He intertwined their knuckles, watching Will’s face turn white, panicking before relaxing, squeezing his fingers in reassurance.

He wasn’t holding his wrist, Alex thought. It meant something, he supposed.

Will took another step back, bodies connected through their hands, drink long forgotten as he tugged Alex back through the flat, finally doing it on his own accord, no prompt from Alex.

He smiled, as he let his feet tumble after Will’s, catching his eyes as they fell into the lounge, a nod of reassurance from Will when Alex suddenly remembered George.

“Hey - uh, Alex isn’t feeling well.” Will jovially spouted out, “He’s gonna lie down… I’m gonna make sure he doesn’t choke on his own sick, or anything - you know.”

George looked up, confusion slid over his face before something gleaming returned in his eyes, a smirk painted on his lips. “Oh yeah, course - that’s definitely what’s happening.”

“Dunno what you’re implying George mate, just looking after a friend - that’s all.” Will smiled, tugging at Alex’s hand again, dragging them towards his room. Alex felt like he was part of a dream, he never wanted to wake up.

George was perfectly aware of what was happening, but Alex couldn’t find it in him to care. Will was there, hands interlocked, sparks following him wherever he went - it was something, that was all. It was something that Will had taken the lead, he thought gently before everything was brushed aside.

Will shut the door behind them, fingers breaking apart to tug at Alex’s hair, one twirled into his fringe and another tilting his head back, “I’m shitting myself, won’t lie.”

Alex clung onto Will’s shirt, “Assumed you were,” he hummed, “Did you want this?” his eyes were big and desperate - prying for the truth, even if it hurt.

Will looked torn apart, face contorting into something Alex couldn’t read, “Course I do, just - I’m sorry for everything, you know?”

“Don’t have to be,” Alex lifted the edge of his shirt, fingers brushing against his hips, “I want this, but I want you to be okay with it.”

Will pushed Alex backwards, head resting against the door, “I will be, as long as you do want it, and you don’t think it's… I don’t know - just, this won’t fuck us up, yeah?”

“Promise,” Alex let his muscles relax, let himself collapse into Will. He held him steady, brushing his hair as he stepped closer, tilting his chin up and snogging him, knocking his head back against the wall with the intensity of it.

It was rough but gentle, harsh but forgiving, like their lips were speaking a thousand unspeakable words. Alex licked into his mouth, trying to reassure him, trying to tell him how much he wanted him, trying to believe that Will felt the same.

Alex nipped at his lip, hands wandering, feeling different this time. Along with the heat, the desire, there was something else, something settling heavy that made Alex smile. He kissed him hard, letting Will keep his body against the door as their tongues collided, slick and hot and demanding.

“Can I finger you,” Will panted breathlessly, eventually breaking the kiss, “Looked so good last time, just didn’t - didn’t have it in me to tell you.”

Alex’s head fell back, Will’s tongue dancing down his jaw, “Please, fucking hell.” He pushed Will back, seeing the warmth in his eyes as he yanked his shirt off.

“Straight to it then mate,” Will huffed a laugh, eyes running down Alex’s ribs as he pulled his own off.

“You’re having me on, been fucking waiting for you to realise how much I want this for ages,” Alex rushed out, fumbling with his jeans as Will stared at him blindly.

“Have you?” Will looked dumbstruck. Alex felt confused.

“Course I have, are you joking?” His hands halting on his waistband, “I thought we established this.”

“I know, I just - I didn’t really think you meant it, or something, I don’t know.”

Alex looked up, Will looked hopeful, his heart warmed in his chest, “I want you - fancy you, even.” Alex felt his cheeks flush, “Would really like you to fuck me, and all. Would I say that if I didn’t mean it?”

Will stood back, looking at him hard, trying to evaluate his words. In the end, Alex got impatient, he sat back on the bed, similar to last time but so much different.

“You coming then?” Alex spoke again, unbuttoning his jeans properly this time, wiggling out of them before flinging them across the room, “Not doing all the work again this time,” He smiled, the tension from last time slashed in two.

“Oi, I did the fucking, thank you.” Will stepped closer, settling between his knees, rubbing at his thighs with gentle fingers.

Things were different this time, Alex thought. It wasn’t the same, shirts were off, emotions laid out - it was everything and more.

Alex laughed, breathless as he twisted his torso to reach the lube, tossing it towards Will by his knees as he touched the expanse of skin on display, knuckles against ribs, warm and solid beneath his fingertips.

“You know I’ve not uh - I’ve not done this before,” Will stumbled, looking up at him.

“You watched me do it mate, same thing, yeah?” Alex tried to smile, tugging his waist to get him to bend over, kissing down his neck, knowing he was delaying the growing ache between his legs but needing the proximity to know he was alive and not dreaming.

Will moaned against his ear, hands down his sides, fiddling with his waistband - nervous, almost. Alex pushed him back, helping take the plunge for him when he stripped his boxers off, successfully avoiding kicking Will in the process.

He sat up, leaning back with his knees shut, “You look a bit like you’ve seen a ghost,” he whispered, not wanting to break the trance.

“Just don’t want it to be shit for you,” Will met his eyes, fire burning from the inside out.

“Won’t be - Will, promise.” Alex pleaded, having an idea, reaching for the lube himself. “How ‘bout I start and you join.”

Will’s eyes lit up something dark and red, nodding eagerly as Alex snicked the cap. He slicked his fingers up, snaking his arm around his hip and reaching towards his hole. Before Alex could reach, Will coaxed his knees open, holding them outwards with his hands on his thighs.

“That okay?” Will confirmed, eyes eager against his skin, Alex squirmed, body out on display, nodding as he adjusted his hand.

He slid a finger in, harsh and eager, cock bouncing against his stomach, hard with the closeness, the desperation - Will, mostly. His hips jerked down, pushing onto it, feeling Will’s eyes on him spurring him on.

He started to move, not having done it in a while, thrusting his finger in and out while the world spun around him.

“Fucking hell,” Will muttered, fingers making trails down his skin, shivers breaking out over Alex’s body.

“You gonna help me?” Alex asked through a whine, tossing the lube over to Will, like it was his move.

Will obliged, letting his grip on Alex’s legs drop as he slicked up two fingers, clumsy but really fucking hot. Alex had dreamed of this, wanked off to it, even, and now it was in front of him, gorgeous and overwhelming and everything between.

“Tell me if I’m doing it wrong,” Will muttered, not even giving time for Alex to respond before he let his fingers dance over his hole, warming the slick up before pushing a finger in, melding together with Alex’s inside him.

It was fucking filthy, the rhythms refusing to match up, Will’s breathing above him, his eyes trained on him like he was something edible. Alex pushed down on his fingers, teeth clenching trying to muffle a groan already half into the air.

It was everything and more, “Sure you haven’t done this before,” Alex moaned, “Pretty good at it and all.”

Will blushed, Alex groaned. “No dickhead, I’m trying to make this good for you.” He crooked his fingers up, “That’s what they do in porn and all, innit?”

Alex muffled a laugh, about to take the piss before their fingers hit his spot, shooting out flames through his stomach. “Feels really fucking good,” he grunted out through a groan.

“Bloody hope so,” Will muttered, doubling his efforts, pulling his first finger out and nudging another besides, “Okay?”

“Please,” Alex squirmed, trying to buck down onto his fingers, desperate to feel him again. He felt so full when he slid them in, slow and gentle as he opened him up. It was filthy and hot and sweat dripped down Alex’s neck as he groaned and shuffled against the bedsheets.

Alex’s eyes fluttered shut, control waning as he got closer. He let himself remember last time, feeling Will push in, clenching around his cock, feeling himself do the same to his fingers now, hearing Will’s breathy tone curse above him.

It was so much more than before, he thought, sparks cracking, wires breaking - electrics loose between their bodies. There were so many soft touches, rough around the edges but filled with purpose; he knew he wasn’t imagining it, this was as real as it got.

“Please,” Alex repeated, snapping his eyes open to meet Will’s, “I’m close,” he panted, fingers tied into the bedsheets, rocking down onto Will’s fingers like he was dying for it.

“You look so fucking pretty like this.” Will breathed out, inhaling swiftly after he spoke, as if Alex wasn’t supposed to hear it.

He came, words vibrating around his ears, swimming through his veins as pleasure ricocheted through his body. His stomach jerked, hips lifting his back off the bed as his head pushed back into the pillow, trying to ground himself from falling.

Will’s hands were everywhere, fingers rocking inside him where Alex’s came to a stop, his other palm following the curve of his hips up to his neck, cupping Alex’s jaw. He couldn’t open his eyes, he felt like he was in heaven.

He did in the end, and earth was even better than heaven could ever be, Will kneeling before him, fingers gently pulling out, soft as to not hurt him. He whined as his hole clenched around nothing, dopily meeting Will with a grin as his body collapsed into the bed.

“Come up here,” Alex coughed, trying to get his voice to resonate. He wiped his one hand against the sheets as the other tugged at Will to lie above him. His fingers met in between his ribs, trailing them down to his stomach before tugging at the waistband, “Wanna see you come.”

“Bloody hell Alex,” Will muttered, wiping his own hand against the bed before following Alex and resting his chin on his shoulder. “Bit much you are, aren’t you.”

Alex froze, “In a bad way?”

“No, in the best way - was that okay?” Will whispered, hair brushing Alex’s cheek.

“Perfect,” Alex whispered, “Let me take care of you, alright?” He nudged Will over, lying side by side - parallel to before, yet again so much different.

Will lifted his hips up when Alex tried to battle his joggers down, succeeding in the end, shifting them down to his knees, “Won’t last long, just so you know.”

“Don’t need to, just wanna see you.” Alex murmured, one hand stroking down his side, the other wrapping around his cock. He jacked him off hard and desperate, his body aching, watching Will’s face burn as he thumbed at his slit.

His other hand met his cheek, feeling it warm and red under his palm, Alex grinned, letting his body ease closer, mouth attaching to the underside of his jaw, sucking hard against pale skin as his hand spread the wetness around his tip.

Will cursed above him, Alex nibbled at his skin, groans fresh in the air as his cock throbbed in his hand, “Don’t stop, please.” Will gritted out, body fidgeting between strokes, airtight in his throat.

Alex didn’t bother replying, trailing his lips down to meet his collar bone, stroking him a couple more times as he sucked another bruise into his flesh before he came, spurting into his fist as he tugged him through it. He leaned back, wiping his hand again on the side before looking up at Will.

He loved him, he thought mildly. Affection spilling through his gestures as he kept touching him, like he was keeping him grounded, stopping him from floating away. Will looked soft, eyes dreary but fiery, a sheen covering his nose.

Alex wanted to kiss him.

“Can I?” He asked, looking at Will’s lips, pink and spit slick.

Will nodded before Alex could even question what he was asking, leaning forward, faces touching as he caught his lips with his own. Tongues melding gently as if they had all the time in the world.

He dozed off after a while, bodies tangled, air shared and heads tilted together.

When Alex woke up, Will was there; whole and solid and everything and more. He thought perhaps it would be okay after all.

**Author's Note:**

> i have a lot of feelings over alex at the beginning with james saying something like 'this isn't like high school james' and then at the end him feeling like a teenager over his crush referring that maybe it was like that highschool fairytale after all that means a lot to me and i needed to share that
> 
> i hope u liked this though in all seriousness i didnt know how to write this part so it took me longer than i expected but i thought it turned out okay so let me know what u think please kudos commet etc whatever u fancy
> 
> anyway thank u for reading genuinely it means a lot and all ur comments have been lovely so thank you x


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